feeling loved by baby???

 .☘︎ ݁˚₊‧ʚ ‪‪❤︎‬ ɞ‧₊˚ ݁☘︎ .  

second post and i'm already gonna get a bit too in my feelings. anywho. i remember when i was in the newborn trenches and i was just in survival mode. take care of the baby, try to sleep, and keep the house clean, and cook while i'm thinking that i need to be with the baby at all times cause he might die if i take my eyes off of him for ten seconds. 

during the crying spells and the fact he wouldn't sleep sometimes, i would also cry and have a pity party cause i felt i wasn't doing any of this right. i cared for him, of course, but i didn't love him like i do now. and i feel like maybe that bit of detachment caused him to be a bit independent and not needy for me?? i don't know. 

again, he's almost eight months and i kind of expected him to be a bit cuddly when he was like six months, if anything. his personality was already coming out around four months and i thought 'oh man here it comes when they want to be carried all the time and just be in your arms and cry when they lose sight of you' but it never came. granted, we were already mostly always carrying him but he never cried when we left. he would maybe lay there and look around. now, that is normal also but i wanted him to want me.

i will say he did start crying after me when he was able to move when he was coming up seven months. i felt needed and i loved it. i still do but for the most part he just follows me now. the thing that was getting to me recently was whenever i carried him he would push away cause something else was piquing his interest. but that seemed like all the time. he wouldn't just let me hold him and kiss him. he will literally use all four of his limbs to push himself off. 

i told my husband and he would reassure me that our baby loves me and he's just curious about everything and in time he will be attached to my hip whether i want it to happen or not. i was feeling guilty about how i was when he was a newborn and thought it was my fault he wasn't attached to me. i was doing everything i can to bond with him.

BUT starting monday, he was smiling and belly laughing with me and anytime i left the room, he followed. when he got bored, he crawled to me and hit my legs which we think means he wants to be held and i do. he doesn't push me away as much but he definitely is trying to find something new to look at. now today, before his nap, (he usually goes to sleep on his own when i put him in his crib) i was carrying him and swaying and kissing his cheek softly. after a few minutes, i felt that his head was on my shoulder and he fell asleep.

i was so happy. soooooo happy. i love him so much and i hope he knows that but yeah i'm hoping there's more to come and i'm excited to see other ways he shows his affection.